read this first!

these are snippets from my journal, none of it was written specifically for this site. if there are any relevant CWs i will put them before the entry. please use your discretion as there may be some heavy topics.

im not entirely sure why i made this page. i dont know if any of this is any good or if its just cringeworthy. but i want to say that despite the fact that a lot of these entires are downers (of course they are, i write them as a form of therapy) i wouldnt consider myself a downer. i see life as a collection of moments. some good, some bad, most are somewhere in between. but every moment is equally important and unimportant. im the only person who lives through them all, im the only person who will ever really know me, and thats fine. it wont matter after i die. all i have is right now, its all anyone has. even the most influential figures will be forgotten someday.

so i write. i do it to help myself understand these moments, appreciate them for what they are. use them to help the people i care about. im not a good or bad person, im just some guy trying to make sense of it all. i know i never will, but what would be the fun in "figuring it all out" anyway. what does that have to do with this page? i dont know. i guess i want to share my perspective, maybe someone will relate. and to be selfish, i want to push myself out of my comfort zone. so heres some stuff that i wrote that i never thought would be seen by another human being. if it sucks thats probably why. i will be updating this with newer and older entries untill whenever. thanks for reading.

7/20/24

"a losers guide to a good summer (halfway through)

7/1/24 10:33pm

"P says i can call her anytime if i need to. maybe i should, but i dont want it like that. i dont want to talk about it. i just wanna talk but im not going to call and say that. i would be interrupting her evening. would that be the end of the world? no. she woke me up this morning. ive missed entire movies to be there for her."

"i cant let her be there for me. i am convinced that if i ask for even a little bit of what i give i will lose people."

"its like a family heirloom. a big pile of acidic snot passed down from generation to generation. i dont know where it came from, how old it is, or how many people have touched it to add their own special brand of toxicity. im stuck holding it. its eating away at me but i dont know where to put it. i refuse to pass it on. how can i make it smaller?"

"i have been thinking about bridges and the various ways ive destroyed them. i poured gasoline and lit a match right in front of O. i snipped the rope that was suspending the bridge between C and i. i let a boulder drop between T and i. the one bridge that should really be less than dust is still there. its overgrown and crumbling but its there."

"H was the only one who never asked anything of me and i never realized how special that was untill it was too late. sort of. but now i realize it more and more all the time. i dont know. i cant be seeing this clearly."

CW for SH topics

6/5/24 12:20pm

"sometimes i just want something physical to hurt. i kinda feel like i need someone to beat the shit out of me. not in a kinky way either, im not sure why. to ground me? more likely because bruises heal after awhile. its like they were never there. bruises are nice like that. i catch myself chewing on my lip, trying to draw blood. i guess i still have ways of hurting myself that are so sneaky i dont even realize im doing it."

5/30/24 11:11pm

"inside of me there are two wolves

one of them fully believes that i am fucked beyond belief and i should definitely give up. the other fully believes that everythings going to be fine, life is a journey. it is literally impossible for me to be stuck here forever."